31 January 2015

I Do So Well In Chaos...

January was difficult.

Expensive car issues. Prolonged illness. The semester beginning.

I'm choosing to think of it as a late expulsion of all the stress from last year. My body held this toxic mess in for a very long time. It had no choice in the new year but to release.

While staring at my $4000 worth of bills that I've accumulated since Jan 1st, this thought makes it very slightly (very very slightly) better.

Below is the reading list for my lit class - Body Snatchers: The Fragility of Identity. I include it as a means to illustrate where my mind has been.

The Lifespan of a Fact - John D'Agata & Jim Fingal
Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn
Lose Your Mother - Saidiya Hartman
City of Glass - Paul Auster
Every Day - David Levithan
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson

There are a bunch of other readings inserted around these main texts. Those readings have so far included A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and Confessions of a Mask by Yukio Mishima. I tend to wing the extra readings. Trying to gauge where the conversation is leading and what the room's interests are.

The class came from a place of being fascinated with the idea of public vs. private faces. How we are different people in different situations.

The mess that was my January isn't fatal, it isn't dire. Being sick for 10 days was not great and I'm still recovering, the car issues are expensive but will work out. All will be well, settled, etc. But it feels connected to the year I had in 2014.

I'm not a super private person. I adhere to the open book style of living. I don't see a benefit in holding cards close. That being said, I don't discuss my private life too much on social media. This is because I've begun to see online as less an extension of my private face and more an extension of my public one.

I think that MySpace, Facebook, Livejournal, etc were at one point a space for close friends to see your thoughts. They were a weird liminal space between private and public persona. Today that is pretty much off the table unless you don't mind being a complete open public person. Some of us seem content to exist in this public/private space. I'm not completely sold on it. But I don't have a child whose every movement I can plaster all over social media. That may sound judgey, and it is, a little, but I really don't care what people do with themselves.

All of this is a round-about way of introducing the idea that 2014 was hard for me. I didn't really deal with that. And it seems to be tied to how my 2015 has begun.

The big thread in all of those books up there? The theft of identity. The stripping of it in various forms. In each of those books there is a kidnapping of sorts. And in each a fallout blankets the lives involved.

2015 is, for better or worse, a year of fallout.